The Edited Performance Dilemma
This morning, as I pressed record on what must now be the 967th take of this video that I am trying to make of a new sonata (a solo sonata, obviously), I suddenly plunged myself into a pool of fear about how I am ever going to perform live again. Having spent almost a year mourning the loss of concerts and counting down the days/weeks/months until we can safely perform live again, I forgot to notice how much I’ve been getting used to, and dependent on, the ability to EDIT.
Knowing that you can do as many takes as you are physically able to, and then present the very best version to the public, is really quite fantastical. I suppose it’s what we’ve all been practicing in some way for years, across social media and the internet. But this is really where the difference between my perspective as a performer and a consumer comes into focus; as a member of the ‘audience’, I am longing to watch artists live, I don’t ever want to log in to a virtual live-stream again. As a performer though, I am terrified about being back on stage in front of a crowd, with only one shot to get it right. I have never been an easy breezy performer anyway - being on stage has pretty much always been a stressful experience for me, to some degree - and I don’t know how I am going to deal with this situation again, this loss of control.
It is all too easy to complain about how difficult the restrictions of the pandemic have been, how much we all hate these necessary changes that have been made to our lives. And it’s true that it has been devastating. But what about the ways in which we have adapted to our new lifestyles with ease and comfort? Rolling out of bed moments before you have to, sending quick emails instead of long face-to-face meetings and the convenient excuse to have everything delivered are the obvious ones. But as I begin to allow myself to get hopeful about the end of this dark, dark tunnel, I have also found myself worrying about things like how much I will have to pack in a handbag whenever I leave home, investing in comfortable footwear that will serve me for long workdays, how I will make conversation with people I’m not close to and convince them I am somewhat normal (I guess that one was always a worry).
I do take some comfort in the thought that these were the things that were charming about human life before Covid; forgetting one’s umbrella, making a funny face at someone (unhidden by a mask) to convey a response, and people-watching as you stood in the queue for your coffee were all ways in which we could see through a real human lens that nobody’s life was this edited version of perfection that we are overwhelmed with online. And, although it’s hard for me to see right now, I hope it’s this same authenticity that will bring performers and audiences back together again, that little mistakes and nervous energy will be so much more preferable to witness in a live concert hall than an unblemished performance that has been fabricated to fit your screen.
So, with that in mind, I’m now going to do ONE. LAST. TAKE. of this video. I’m going to imagine that it is the only take I am allowed to do and it will be the one that I WILL submit to cyberspace forever. Whatever happens, happens, mistakes and all. Because isn’t that what human life is really about, after all?
A Few Interesting Things
Just set one day’s work in front of the last day’s work. That’s the way it comes out. And that’s the only way it does.
- John Steinbeck
Elena Ferrante’s most recent novel, ‘The Lying Life of Adults’, was everything I wanted it to be, and very much filled the hole that the Neopolitan Novels left in my life a few years ago. She has such a profoundly touching way of writing, expressing feelings that one has lived with forever but never been able to articulate.
The sublime new album from Anna B Savage, ‘A Common Turn’, must be listened to, and with full attention, immediately.
I’ve been curious about the difference in benefits between regular HIIT workouts and just a more active lifestyle; ‘The Benefits of Moderate Exercise’, by the NY Times points a few of these out with research and data.
‘COVID Has Made the Wealth Gap Even Worse Than We Thought’, is a pretty shocking and eye-opening article by Vice about just how much Covid has stretched the gap in economic inequality.
Artist Toyin Ojih Odutola has been posting several ‘Studies’ and ‘Journal entries’ on her Instagram and they are beautiful and fascinating. I love to watch a work in progress.
If you have been feeling especially Covid-weary over the past couple of weeks, read this article, ‘It's Not Just You. A Lot Of Us Are Hitting A Pandemic Wall Right Now.’ by the Huffington Post.
Yesterday’s newsletter from Haley Nahman was a moving account of falling in love that tugged very strongly on my heartstrings.
‘The Pandemic Has Erased Entire Categories of Friendship’, an article from The Atlantic, forced me to consider many of the people in my life that I have lost due to Covid.
Follow Rachel Cargle’s Instagram page throughout this month, as she posts daily prompts to help us educate ourselves on Black history.
It’s taken me over 20 years to hope on this train, but there’s a right time for everything, and right now, watching ‘The Sopranos’ is how I will be spending my evenings for the foreseeable.
Looks like this newsletter has the slightest potential to turn into a bi-weekly matter. Still not committing, but I’ll tentatively suggest that I’ll see you again in two weeks!
Thanks for reading everyone x
